Do you ever feel that your emotional wellbeing is in the hands of others? Do you find yourself having thoughts such as - ‘If only they would … then I could …’ or ‘If they didn’t keep … I wouldn’t have to …’ This happens to us all at times and, when it does, we can find ourselves putting a lot of energy into trying to change the other person. Trying to make them behave in a way that suits us. This, however, is a short-term strategy. Even if we’re successful, we haven’t solved the underlying problem of being reliant on the other person for our sense of wellbeing. A longer-term solution can be to ask 3 simple questions: 1. ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’ In asking this question, you begin to look beyond the current frustration and imagine what it would be like if the other person doesn’t change. What would happen then? By exploring the scenario you are trying to avoid, you gain a clearer sense of it. As you begin to flesh out the detail, you can ask the second question: 2. ‘What might I do if that were to happen?’ Now you are looking to yourself for answers. What would you do if the worst were to happen? As you ask this question you are likely to start identifying the resources you might draw on. For example, who might you turn to for support? What actions might you take to deal with the situation? Now you are in a position to ask the third question: 3. ‘Do I want to do anything about this now?’ Having identified how you might cope in the worst case scenario, you have choices. Do you want to start putting a plan in place now, using the resources you’ve identified? Or perhaps you feel more in control already, simply by having recognised that a) you would cope and b) how you would do it. In both cases, you are no longer reliant on the other person’s choices for you to feel OK. We often have more agency than we realise.

As a passionate reader, I sometimes come across a sentence or paragraph in a novel that I believe captures an essential truth of what it is to be human. Not only are these a joy to discover, they also offer the opportunity to reflect on the challenges that face us all. On my 'Novel Insights' site I have gathered a few of my favourite excerpts and combined them with therapeutic insights. I hope they offer a fresh take on some of the concepts we therapists hold in mind as we sit with our clients - as well as glimpses into various literary gems! To read a few Novel Insights, click here : www.novelinsights.co.uk